Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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