I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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