new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
He has the fingertips of a God
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