Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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