Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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