I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
