My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
