I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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