Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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