I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I love you. Go after that dick
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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