96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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