So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
