Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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