Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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