She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
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We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
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That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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