my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
