when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She's the barista slut.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
