Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
