R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
