a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just found a bag of teeth...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
