Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Still dying that you shit outside
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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