So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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