You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
you would pick up someone in the library
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
