Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
