just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Randomize
