now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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