I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
