I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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