Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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