How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
