i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
