she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
