If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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