Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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