meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
