it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
