i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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