I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
