he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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