I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Farmville is her only friend.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
