woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
