It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
