dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
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i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
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She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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