So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
