We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
