mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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