I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
