If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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