We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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