Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
