Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
