I'm going to jail i love you
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
