i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
