i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
