I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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