Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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